How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
