you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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