i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
