True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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