That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
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woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
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I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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