I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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