New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
So here I am, sexting at work.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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