I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
