Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
