you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
