WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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