isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
