Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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