All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
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I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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