I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
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It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
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WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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