That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
