thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
