Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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