Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When did angry sex become our thing?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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