i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
