You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
