I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
