sarcasm needs its own font
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
