So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
