Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
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it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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