I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
