Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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