Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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