ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
