just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
