Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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