We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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