I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
