she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
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If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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