can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
operation have a gay friend backfired
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
