Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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