moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
