I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
