Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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