Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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