none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
4 words: hood of his car
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
