Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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