Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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