Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
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Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
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Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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