it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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