yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
