I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
