Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
