My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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