better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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