mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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