Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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