he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
