Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She's the barista slut.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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