If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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